Intentions -- sidestory
by Random1377
Summary: Just a little side story to Caiman's comedy fic, Intentions.  Read that first, or you WILL be lost... hope you like it!


Intentions  
By:Random1377  
Side-Story  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Evangelion... hell, I don't own much of anything, really - in fact, much of what I DO have is stolen or... umm... nevermind. Ahem, anyway... here's a side-story for Intentions, a fine story by Caiman. Go read it before you read this, or you'll be way lost.  
  
Author's notes: ok, I usually put these at the end, but I'm trying to emulate Caiman... I'm inverting. :) Anywayz, here is some wacky, goofy, zany OOCness for you to enjoy. Quite the departure from the heavy, brooding, serious, ICness I've been putting out lately. ((Sigh)) I needed this... thanks Caiman... ;)  
  
I'm also using Caiman's formatting... woohoo!!  
  
Reading: "" - Denotes speaking  
'' - Denotes thinking  
|| - Denotes sound effects  
//// - Denotes translation  
  
  
Intentions  
  
"What did you say?"  
  
Asuka blinked, sure that her ears had deceived her. Rei confirmed her hearing abilities by standing up and saying slowly,  
  
"You. And. Me. Bitch."  
  
Asuka's look of shock melted into a wicked grin as she rose to her feet and cracked her knuckles.  
  
"Oh, you are so on, you little blue haired tramp! Let's do this!"  
  
Fighting the urge to just tackle the redhead, the First Child smiled and said sweetly,   
  
"Some ground-rules... just to prevent things getting ugly. Well... any uglier than you, anyway..."  
  
"Fine, slut... no scratching."  
  
"Agreed, harlot... and no hair-pulling."  
  
"Fair enough, skank... no biting either..."  
  
Rei thought for a moment, trying to decide if there were any more rules... and on another choice insult. She was down to either strumpet or floozy and 'no life-ending weapons' when Asuka interjected sweetly,  
  
"Of course it doesn't really matter who wins..."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"When it's all over, I'll go home... and sweet little Shinji will comfort me in my time of need..."  
  
They say that still waters run deep. And Rei's emotions (and therefore, her anger) were among the, well, stillest on the planet.  
  
Needless to say, when tapped... the results were not pretty.  
  
The fight began with three simple words, whispered in a tone as cold as that of PenPen's forefather's tail feathers,  
  
"You rancid whore..."  
  
---- Title Flash ----  
  
Intentions  
Side-Story: The Big Hurt/N.E.R.V. Smackdown  
  
----------  
  
"Hey Aoba,"  
  
The newly crowned Emperor of the majority of Africa (with the feeble resistance soon to be crushed beneath his iron fist) raised his hand in greeting as he came into the break room,  
  
"Look what I got!!"  
  
'Oh damn... not another MANGA!'  
  
"It's 'Oh, my Holy Gracious' NUMBER ONE!!!"  
  
"That's... great, Makoto... just great..." 'Please don't make me look at it... please don't make me look at it...'  
  
"Here! Take a look!!"  
  
Suppressing a groan, Aoba took the proffered comic gingerly, making sure not to bend it (the last time he'd done that - with a Motile Fertility Suit: Gundang number six - Makoto had pouted for weeks).  
  
"Neat, huh?"  
  
"Uh huh... you scored big time, man..."  
  
Aoba was skimming the magazine, thinking that the idea of a mail-order form going to Heaven and 'accidentally' ordering a Goddess was the stupidest thing he'd ever read, when he heard an oddly familiar sound. He tilted his head,  
  
"That sounds like... nah, it can't be...  
  
But it was. The two techs watched in stunned silence as a red blur streaked past them, rounding the corner and disappearing down the corridor nanoseconds before the sound (the steady, staccato rhythm of automatic gunfire) repeated.  
  
Very slowly, they turned... and were treated to the sight of a grim-faced, blue-haired, red-eyed, mad-as-hell First Child marching down the hall, a smoking assault rifle in her tiny hands. She stopped abreast of them and pushed a button on the rifle, dropping the empty cartridge to the floor. She turned her head and appraised them, then said softly,  
  
"Technician Hyouga... technician Shigeru... I apologize if I have interrupted you... were you doing something important?"  
  
With wide eyes, Aoba shook his head and held up the comic. Rei pulled another clip off of the bandoleer slung around her chest and slapped it into the rifle, reading the spine of the book carefully. She tapped it, speaking the one word that comic collectors around the world feared more than anything else,  
  
"Reprint..."  
  
As Makoto collapsed to the floor, crying aloud that only a cruel God would take the woman he wanted and give her to the Devil himself AND curse him with bad merchandise, the pilot of Unit 00 excused herself politely and resumed her pursuit.  
  
----  
  
Fuyutsuki sat at his desk, sulking.   
  
'Figure out the alpha male... right. I should have known he'd change the rules after me and Aoba beat him senseless. So much for 'tribal leadership rites'... I'm right back behind this stupid, tiny desk in this stupid, tiny office, doing stupid-'  
  
His thought broke off and he blinked as the Second Child slipped into his small office and hid behind the door, panting as quietly as she could. He was not taken aback by the numerous cuts and scraps in her plugsuit, or the presence of the prototype man-portable Progressive knife humming softly in her hands. No, what concerned the Second Commander (intensely) was the small, feral smile on the girl's face.  
  
"Is there something I can do for you, Miss Souryu?"  
  
"Yeah... you can shush. Wondergirl snapped... and she's after me. And if you don't shut up, she'll find me."  
  
Fuyutsuki opened his mouth to reply that perhaps she should be a bit more respectful,  
  
'Hell, SOMEONE should respect me...'  
  
But before he could say a word, the redhead grinned and carved something in the door, then bolted out. Several moments later, the First Child came in, her eyes seeming to glow with an unholy red fire. In either hand, the girl clutched a large caliber magnum pistol. She looked carefully around the room and asked softly,  
  
"Have you seen Pilot Souryu?"  
  
Before the older (and slight frightened) man could reply, the blue-haired girl caught sight of the carving on the door. She growled low in her throat and ran out the door, cocking both guns as she screamed the Second Child's name.  
  
Curious, Fuyutsuki went over and looked at what Asuka had carved. He gasped, envisioning the harm the First Child would visit on the other pilot for this transgression.  
  
Carved in the door was a large, crude heart... and in it was a capitol S... a plus sign... and a capitol A.  
  
"Oh, she's dead..."  
  
--------  
  
"Damnit! Get your ass in there!!"  
  
Misato was NOT having a good day. First Makoto had gotten all weird on her after finding out about the Commander and passed out, then her 'lover' had issued a new order stating that only HE was allowed to be the 'Alpha Male' (whatever the hell THAT meant) and now... now they were under attack.  
  
"With all due respect ma'am, not a chance in HELL!"  
  
She glared at the soldier that she had ordered to move in to Central Dogma, where the fighting was concentrated, and said softly,  
  
"You don't want to end up like Akito, do you?"  
  
The soldier paled and looked at down at the stricken man on the floor. Akito, the former commander of the strike team, had been stricken alright... by Misato's riot-gear clad knee, after refusing to 'Throw his men into what was obviously a suicide situation.'  
  
"No, Ma'am... but... but shouldn't we wait for the heavy weapons team?"  
  
"Get in there! Reports say it's just a small group... that's what you people are TRAINED for, right??"  
  
The young soldier took another look at that groaning Akito,  
  
"Y-yes ma'am..."  
  
Misato watched the man lead the three remaining troopers in... and less than a minute later watched them all come flying (literally) back out, landing in a heap on the floor. A very familiar voice came from the open door,  
  
"Stay out of this! This is between me and Wonderwhore!"  
  
Misato sighed and shook her head sadly,  
  
"I should have known..."  
  
Steeling herself, she drew one of the many weapons she had secured around her body and walked through the door... and into Hell.  
  
----------  
  
Asuka Langley Souryu smiled broadly as she crouched behind one of the Magi supercomputers. She wasn't smiling because she had won (not yet, anyway), or because it had felt so good to lay the smack down on the lame special-ops wimps that had tried to cut in on her action - or even because Rei (normally cool and collected) was screaming obscenities at her and trying her hardest to dig her out of her hiding place.  
  
No, Asuka was smiling because in her hand was a small tuft of blue hair.  
  
"You bitch! You're going to pay for that, you hear me Souryu?!? That's against the rules!!"  
  
"Oh, and that flamethrower you've got isn't??"  
  
"Hey, no one ever said anything about weapons..."  
  
"Whatever... you're just mad that I found your secret... blondie..."  
  
"SHUT UP!!!!"  
  
Asuka laughed and sprinted for the next Magi as a burst of flame from Rei's weapon washed over the area she had just occupied.  
  
"At least I don't stuff my bra, you little gaijin slut!"  
  
"How did you kn- I DO NOT!!!"  
  
"Awww... feeling... inadequate, Second Child"  
  
Rei smirked at the silence she got in response and began sneaking around the middle tower. Had she been paying more attention, she might have noticed Asuka climbing the other side and slithering up on top to wait for her.  
  
It was a testimony to her reflexes that she sensed the change in air pressure above her and stepped back in time to avoid the wicked slice that had been aimed at her. In the ensuing silence, both girls watched as one of the green, triangular protrusions on the front of Rei's plugsuit fell to the ground in two pieces. Rei looked at it thoughtfully,  
  
"Do you have ANY idea what that thing is for? Why doesn't your suit have them? What does it do?"  
  
Asuka frowned thoughtfully for a moment and ventured,  
  
"Maybe they're... for balance, or something? No... because I don't have them..."  
  
They contemplated the conundrum for a moment longer, then looked at one another and shrugged... then let out a simultaneous battle cry and lunged at one another, dropping their weapons and wrapping their hands around each other's throats.  
  
|Pfft|  
  
|Pfft|  
  
Two shots were fired  
  
"OW!"  
  
"OUCH!"   
  
Two girls cried out in surprise and pain  
  
|Thump|  
  
|Thump|  
  
Two bodies fell to the floor.  
  
"Heheheheh..."  
  
One very pleased Director of Operations stepped out of the shadows, holding a tranquilizer gun at her side and smiling broadly. She crouched down, prying the girls' fingers off of each other's necks... and frowning as they mumbled in their sleep,  
  
"Bitch..."  
  
"Tramp..."  
  
Misato just sighed and shook her head, already seeing the stack of damage reports that would need to be filled out. Then a slow, wicked smile spread across her face. She looked down at the two sleeping girls and whispered,  
  
"I think I see a new homework assignment in your future..."  
  
Most pleased with herself, Misato stood up and slipped the tranquilizer gun into its holster... inadvertently squeezing the trigger and sending a small dart into her foot...  
  
|Pfft|  
  
"Damn..."  
  
|Thump|  
  
  
--------------------  
-----End Side-Story-----  
-------------------  
  
And there you have it - my little contribution to Caiman's exceedingly funny story. I hope I was able to make you laugh even one tenth as hard as I did when I first read Intentions. :)  
  
Thanks to Caiman and Lord Deathscythe for pre-reading and keeping this continuous with the rest of the Intentions arc.  
  
Feedback is always welcome at random1377@yahoo.com  



End file.
